let me start with some trigger warnings for those still struggling. i’m about to talk about suicide and depression. but if you suffer with that stuff you may find this helpful. at least i hope someone does.
i’ll try to keep this short. i probably won’t.
i’m 48 years old. today my life is pretty fucking amazing. i am happier than i have ever been. i get to do stuff i never thought was possible for someone like me. and by “someone like me” i mean a person who grew up in a really shitty situation and suffered abuse of many kinds at the hands of many different people for many years. when the abuse from others subsided i carried on the abuse myself. i nearly died more than a few times from overdosing on heroin. i came close to drinking myself to death before i was old enough to have a legal drink. and i put myself in a lot of stupid and dangerous situations. a lot.
and then when i was 20 years old i tried to kill myself. i cut my wrists. i did it the “right way” i should have died. i still have huge scars on my wrists (mostly covered by tattoos now). why didn’t i die? i passed out laying on the floor on my stomach crying into a pillow i buried my face in, i held the pillow close to my face with my bloody hands and wrists. the pillow stopped the bleeding. yes, a pillow saved my life.
that was almost thirty years ago. i wish i could say things have been consistently awesome since i survived that very low time. they have not. BUT the moments in my life where i think to myself “holy shit i am so fucking glad i did not die that night” have been getting more frequent and more remarkable. i have amazing, magical people in my life and i get to do stuff i never thought possible.
i think what i am trying to say is if you are at all like me and you are convinced you have had enough of this shit world and the shit people that seem to get all the breaks and get rewarded for being shitty, if you are just plain fucking tired of the pain and you are absolutely sure there is no way anything could ever be better, you might want to just wait a little longer. just hold out. just wait. stay here. with us. with all of us crazy fucked up people. because i never thought i would ever be able to honestly say “i am so fucking glad to be alive”. but i am.
thanks for reading. i hope this helps someone.
i will now return to reblogging pictures of imposing architecture and outfits none of us can afford.